Meatloaf - The Necro-Vigil Chronicles
by Darkspawndweller04
Summary: When famous singer Meatloaf retires and becomes a photographer he seeks a woman to fulfill his unusual desires. This begins a series of terrible adventures for Meatloaf where he will be tested to the very limit of his endurance. Warning: contains sex, mentions of necrophilia and Bill O'Reilly.
1. Meatloaf and the Necro Vigil

**Meatloaf: The Necro-Vigil **

Come on babe, let's see you flaunt that leather and lace" said a bored voice as the camera clicked, the flashbulbs blared and the model continued to contort her buxom body into various sexual poses that emphasised that she was wearing a Sexy Mourner's Costume and very little else. The forty year-old woman was well maintained for her age and was thoroughly enjoying the task of trying to turn the photographer on so much that he needed to quietly jack off in the tiny bathroom of the studio apartment. It wasn't working and this was a problem for Brenda as she only agreed to this photo shoot for the costume company she worked for on the premise that the photographer would bang her blind and provide her with a REAL MAN as her sex partner (she was fed up with today's Modern Man thinking that woman wanted tantric sex all night long with no outcum for a week.) No, Brenda was so desperate. She wanted a man who leaves a stain on your clothes and no detergent gets it out.She wasn't bothered by love- three husbands and an allergy to dental dams taught her that. But she wanted _that._

Meatloaf siged to himself as he called for her to split her legs and show off the crotchlessness of the Sexy Mourner Costume. The glare off her lady garden was atrocious. he threw a towel at her.

"Wipe yourself down. The glare off your juice is ruining the photos." Brenda's sex face fell as she dried her girl-hole by humping the rolled-up towel. Still nothing from Meatloaf's trouser monster_._ What was with this guy? He was a rock god and yet nothing she did made him throw down his equipment and fuck her until they ascended to the heights of Hell... maybe he was secretly gay and all the songs he sang about dark love and innuendos about sexual ablutions were just a cover in a time when only pop stars and Catholic priests where accepted as gay? She adjusted the sexy black veil on her head and jumped up to promptly start pole-dancing with the flashbulb stand.

"That's good, that's good." He clicked away. Brenda made the mistake of looking up as she ground against the pole (not at all for show, she was desperately trying to jack herself off. ) The flash of the bulb blinded her and she stumbled around unable to navigate the pokey little apartment. She crashed into the flash bulb, which knocked over the other one. As one bulb smashed over her head, her endlessly dripping ancient hallway found an exposed wire and felt a small surge of electricity jump through her foot and she screamed as ten months of tortuous celibacy and failed self-BDSM where released from her concussed body. She fell to the floor and lay there motionless. Meatloaf dropped his camera and rushed forward. She was still breathing, but very shallowly. The sudden surge of diarrhea that had manifested in his colon through fear of killing one of his models lessened, but the sudden turd production had to go somewhere, and despite the colonic spasm no longer threatening to force it out of its own accord, it still needed to go somewhere. He only just made it to the bathroom. He almost shit his pants through trying to squeeze the door shut (the gap between the toilet and the turning arch of the door was about half an inch and Meatloaf was a big man.) After the poop surge he realised that his meatstick was standing to attention. He cleaned himself, checked for any skid marks in his underwear (there were none) and squeezed back into the apartment which was difficult as his cock shaft kept getting caught on the edge of the door and he nearly ripped it off several times.

Brenda was sat up looking dazed.

"My god, that was just wow!" She said rubbing herself. Her face cracked into a smile as she saw his dong rising inside his pants.

"About time!" She cried lustily and threw herself at him. The moment her lips touched his hell stick, it fell like a Vesuvian boulder over Pompeii. She looked offended.

"I knew it... you're gay. Never mind." She got up to get her bag. Meatloaf prepared himself for the tough conversation they needed to have.

"No I'm not... I just... well, I prefer El Visage del Muerte." Brenda screwed her face up in Highschool Translation Mode as she tried to recall what 'El" meant. It clicked. Hmm, kink, she liked it! She suddenly dropped to the floor and let her head roll to the side, trying to keep her breath shallow. Out of a tiny gap in her eyelids, she saw his dick rise again and he started to discard his clothing. She felt herself being laid out on the couch and a sheet being laid over her. At her side, she could hear Meatloaf say a prayer for the fallen angels,and may they grant him a pardon because she wasn't really dead. Then the funeral music began...

The truth was, Meatloaf only got his rocks off if the woman appeared dead. He wasn't into actual dead bodies, just the suggestion and appearance of being dead, as it transcended beyond this world and into the dark realm that the man always felt his was on the cusp of stepping into but never quite got there. Rather like a sneeze that never comes or an orgasm that stops dead because he suddenly thought of his dead mother on the kitchen floor. Brenda gathered that she should just keep still and do nothing, which was fine by her. He lay a crucifix on her chest and then flicked holy water over the shroud. Then he threw off the white sheet (Another bulb smashed as the heavy golden crucifix was catapulted across the apartment.) He lowered himself into place and greased up his manflesh with lube (a corpse wouldn't be slick on its own) and started thrusting for all he was worth.

Brenda tried hard not to make a noise but the thrusting to the rhythm of the pipe organ dirge was doing it for her so much and instead she ended managing to stifle her sighs to small gurgles that sounded like she had a punctured lung. This got Meatloaf even harder and he started performing last rights as his dong juice started to build up. He didn't let it go though. He pulled out and whimpered in her ear

"good girls go to heaven, but the bad girls go everythwhere.Lets see which you are." And started lapping at a pebble in her lady garden. She let out a strangled moan as her cum juice shot him in the face. That was it: Meatloaf had approximately one minute to finish himself off before the illusion of death was over. He thrust back into her and they both had a fake post-death-cum-fest. This time, she allowed herself to scream in pleasure . The man got up as his cum squirter started falling and he redressed.

"Right, get the agency to send you again when they have more costumes. Here's your money." He gave her two hundred dollars in a miniature funeral urn and went to remove the film from his point and shoot. Brenda left totally fulfilled and hoping she could get more work that would take her back to him.

Meatloaf collapsed onto the couch. Being a catalogue and exotic photographer was harder than his old music career had ever been. At least then he'd only had to sing about sex rather than do it. (His producer advised him to ignore all the beautiful goth and rock women because he ended up wasting too much time having to explain his sexuality which always ended up in a slap. His makeup artist quit after the fiftieth time she was expected to work wonders on a black cheek.) He'd tried indulging in a groupie sex party with a lot of BDSM fans but they could never grasp the concept of acting dead, they assumed that while one of them was pretending and he was fucking, they were supposed to give him attention. The last and final time this mistake had occurred again, it had been disastrous. Meatloaf had stormed off in embarrassment as:

his dong flopped and shrivelled to a cocktail Weiner

in his grief blundered into a complicated ménage au troi sex swing and had to be cut free by the fire service.

The burly fire guys had laughed at while wielding a pair of car cutters near his cock to cut the cables

The fire guys had compared his dong to a severed garden hose

He had accidentally-on-instinct given last rights to a Jewish woman (the 'corpse') despite her requesting he didn't and now she was terrified that her family would sense the blessing surrounding her and lock her in a Divvic Box thinking she was one of the demons the Catholics always called to in satanic Latin.

He returned to his apartment to find that the toilet had overflowed, and a tidal wave of fermented turd poured out of the bathroom door as he opened it.

He enjoyed it though, despite how hard he had to work to find models and get them to pose just right. His exotic photos were the hardest to shoot. Many women just didn't know how to look like the recently deceased. He needed to find himself someone who could be a model and his partner. Preferably a woman. It wasn't that is wasn't into men, they just looked more alive than women ever did when feigning death (Rigour mortis doesn't cause a stiff, erect cock that is multiple shades of red and purple.) Plus anal sex required a lot of communication to be pleasurable for both people and it was bad enough that most people couldn't help a slight grunt or sigh as it was. No, if men could appear less alive, he'd be fine. But ultimately, only a woman could do it best. And Brenda certainly seemed to just get it. He'd give last rights to her again gladly.

Meatloaf was exhausted and decided to kick back with a beer before he fell asleep.

The End


	2. Meatloaf and the Militant Vegan Cult

**Meatloaf and the Necrovigil Part 2**

Meatloaf awoke to electric guitars blaring out of his flip cell phone and grunted down the microphone.

"Hello Mr. Undertaker..." came a sultry voice. "I thought we could meet up again for a drink... maybe get some food... and well... " Brenda let out a small laugh. Meatloaf considered. He'd had a good night, she seemed to have understood his distinct tastes and well... now she wanted more.

"Meet me at _The Jaws Of Hell _tonight." He said, trying not to let his voice sound like he hadn't just woken u and was feeling half dead (He was supposed to be the live one, not the 'dead' one.) She let out an excited moan.

"Oh wonderful. I'll see you there." The line went dead. Realising that he had only twelve hours until he met her and five photo shots to do that involved models having black paint dripped on them to look like demon blood, he got up and began covering the apartment in clear tarps to protect the stained furnishings.

The day went very slow and after one model went into anaphylactic shock due to an unknown paint allergy (She was carted off to the hospital) He needed to relax more than ever. After changing into his goth-rock-opera outfit, he straddled his Harley and went roaring down the street.

_The Jaws Of Hell _was an extreme alternative nightclub in the town and it hosted entertainment that appealed to every dark fantasy the clubgoers had. He found Brenda sat on an Old Smokey chair, adorned in a floaty black dress that was so different to the Sexy Mourner's Costume. And she had powdered her skin chalk white. And made her eyelids dark. He felt his dong quiver in his pants.

"Drinks" he muttered as he shook her hand and scurried off, the handkerchief tied to his finger flapping and tearing on one guy's nail-adorned wrist cuff. He came back with vodka and cokes and had in depth conversations about churches, dragons andBDSM while the entertainment began around them (two people having sex in a Perspex iron maiden while people put swords into slots all over it like Popup Pirate.) They ignored this. It turned out that Brenda was very fond of BDSM and didn't care if she was top or bottom. And she'd enjoyed the fact that Meatloaf expected her to just lie there, though the music and prayers were a little... different. As they talked she was getting hornier and hornier.

"How about we go round the back and we can, um... lay out the dead?" She winked. "I've got a little surprise for you." Meatloaf nodded, her words making it difficult to keep his meatstick from looking like shwarma. "Give me twenty minutes then go and get in the funeral car outside". She whispered and walked off towards the staff area. He casual tried to sit and look like he wasn't some old guy about to fuck someone in a parking lot. It wasn't easy when his cock was getting stiff with anticipation.

After twenty minutes he got up and went out. The alleyway went in both directions and it occurred to him that she hadn't told him which street it would be on. He peered through the night and made out the car at the end of the left turn. He galloped up to the funeral wagon, his black hair blowing in the breeze. He looked at the car, which had a large wooden casket in the back and the words BILL FOREVER in flower wreaths. That seemed a bit odd to him, but then, Brenda was starting to seem like a very unusual woman and as they were doing something only a few technicalities away from illegal, it was probably best that they hide what they were doing. He checked around... nobody was around... and opened the back door of the hearse. It was a little difficult o get in because Meatloaf was not a skinny man by any means. Finally he managed to cram his girth in, lifted the lid of the casket and slithered down. Brenda was over the far side and he could feel her body press against him. He found her hand and his dick went rock solid. She was cold. She must have must her hands ice or something. He shuffled forwards in the gloom and began muttering a sexy prayer into her ear as he let his zipper open.

"The monster's loose, and now you'll know the truth. Tell me can you feel it...?" He murmured , and began punctuating with each thrust of his crotch "…as...you...hit...the...wall...?" Brenda was forced face first into the wall of the coffin as his veiny man meat pressed between her legs. He fumbled with the hem of her dress... the hem of her dress... the hem...

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?" Came a groan and Meatloaf's nose collided with the elbow of someone he deemed not Brenda. A spate of coughing ensued and Meatloaf's cock went floppy like a wet fish once more. Blood spewed everywhere in the darkness and then something wet and chunky hit him in the face. Then his bowels gave way and jet propelled out of the coffin and smashed his head against the roof, forgetting he was in a hearse and collapsing onto the flower wreaths. He lay there groaning and nursing both his heads (his dong got caught on the casket handle and tore the skin a bit). the imposter pulled himself out of the box and crawled out of the vehicle.

"God damn powder puff! What the hell are you doin'?! Though I supposed you get thanks for dislodging that falafel from my throat. Goddamn woman rammed it down my throat when I suggested we engage in food sex. Looks like they mistook me for dead." Meatloaf lowered himself to the ground and gazed upon the unwelcome face of a shit covered Billy O'Reilly. He raised a hand to his face and scraped away half chewed falafel chunks mixed with nose blood.

"Right get home before I get the police to come and arrest you for almost necrophilia! And put that goddam dick away!" Meatloaf flipped his floppy meat stick back into his pants and sloped back to the club. Brenda obviously wanted to make a fool of him and made false promises so that he could get away. Meanwhile Brenda was actually lying in an obviously novelty hearse at the end of the right turn down the alleyway, freezing cold because her friend who worked in the club let her sit in the freezer for twenty minutes and gave her ice to put in her hole so that when Meatloaf found her, she was as cold as the grave... After an hour though, she gave up and went home because he'd probably found somebody better.

Meatloaf sat in a corner of the club and chewed down unhappily on a steak. What the hell had gone wrong? Did she think him a weirdo so much she had to get Bill O'Reilly to cough falafel in his face and break his nose? He'd cried as he cleaned himself in the bathroom and now he was trying to console himself with a good meal. And ignore the fact that his sopping wet pants were soaking into the velvet seat. He had lost all hope of finding someone now. "_Hope? It's defective. It's corroded and decayed. "_ he thought sadly as he hoped nobody would smell the shit that was still ingrained into the leather inside of his pants.

There was a commotion in the entrance way which caused the current entertainment (blood wrestling with pig blood) to come to a standstill and everyone to go silent. The security guy stumbled from the entrance across the dancefloor and fell in the paddling pool of blood. A large group of hipsters came bounding in, the symbol of a V tattooed on their foreheads.

"WE WILL TAKE THE ONES WHO ENGAGED IN THIS EVIL ACT AGAINST ANIMALS! POOR DEFENCELESS ANIMALS WHO'S MOTHER'S WERE RAPED BY BULLS TO FEED YOUR STOMACHS! WHO HAD THEIR TITS CONTINUALLY MOLESTED SO YOU COULD HAVE A MILKSHAKE! "

"Vegans!" One guy hissed. The Vegans all swarmed in their fake spectacles, coloured hair and skinny jeans. The leader grabbed half a milkshake and scooped blood out of the pool with it.

"YOU ENJOY THEIR LIFE ESSENCE SO MUCH? THEN DRINK IT!" She grabbed the owner of the milkshake by the hair and tipped the blood shake down his throat. He gagged as it went up his nose. She threw him into the pit.

"TAKE THEM!" She yelled and her minions grabbed anyone who was eating meat, milk or in the blood. Meatloaf felt himself being pulled away from his steak and out of the club. A bag was shoved on his head as his bowels shit themselves once more in panic. His captor slipped and let go of him, but so did Meatloaf and the two of them went down in a wave of crap. Before he could get up, he was bundled into a van with everyone else and they drove him away.

The End


	3. Meatloaf becomes a Bat

**Meatloaf and the Necrovigil Part 3**

Meatloaf rolled around and bumped into many people who were starting to realise that the sloshing noise inside the van wasn't just water and liquid turd started to seep through the burlap sacks on their heads. Their muffled yells combined with gargling and the militant vegans were forced to grab each sack and hold it up out of the shit pool to prevent them all dying or getting diphtheria.

When the van suddenly stopped, everyone in the back fell under the wave that had formed with the inertia (which was even more shitfilled than before due the fear of everything making it pour out of each captive's backside). There was a sigh of relief as the squeaky sound of the doors opened and they all felt the liquid splash out to the ground and drain away. Meatloaf heard the leader cackle and drag everyone off somewhere.

Wherever they had been taken was stifling. His hands were bound before the hood was pulled off. They appeared to be in what felt, looked and sounded like a cave. Spotlights had been positioned around the edge and where all shining upon a pen in the middle of the room. Everyone was wearing a green hooded robe woven from grass and the leader's hood was yellow.

"Throw them in there!" Yelled the leader and everyone was thrown into the enclosure to be blinded by the lights.

"You have been brought here to answer for your crimes against nature! You murderers! You torturers! Slavers!" She yelled and after every title, her minions parroted it angrily.

"We are going to make you suffer like they did! How funny that you are already coated in shit, just like they would be! " Everybody laughed and Meatloaf just sat there stunned.

"Now one by one we are going to make you feel their pain! She turned to the crowd and raised a fist "In the land of the pigs, the butcher will be king no longer!" There were cheers and she grabbed Meatloaf by the hair, dragged him out and threw him to the mob.

" Get him ready! He'll be first! " Meatloaf tried to struggle but he found he had no energy as he hadn't eaten his steak (plus he'd lost so much energy in the past few shitwaves from his colon). They stripped him bare and forced a piggy tail butt plug into his ass, put clamps on his balls that bit into the skin (to represent castration) and forced a gag ball painted like an apple into his mouth. His hand where tied to the floor of the pen as he was dragged by a rope around his neck. The leader laughed and was handed a hemp whip.

"Feel their pain!" She flicked the weapon. Meatloaf didn't flinch as the thing merely chaffed his tushy. The leader tried again. Nothing.

"Maybe you need a tougher fabric?" One follower suggested. She picked up a flax whip instead. More chaffing but that was all. She cursed. Cotton, bamboo fire, pineapple leather... nothing made Meatloaf whimper. Her last resort was the pleather one. It made his eyes water a little put nothing worse than someone whipping his face their braid. Meatloaf would have laughed if he hadn't been gagged. He wasn't sure if it was the leader's low iron-fat-free-sugar-free-B12-free lifestyle that made her so weak or whether it was her misunderstanding of the uniqueness and rigidity of leather. The leader got angry, discarded the whip and started to beat him with her cotton espadrille. Meat grunted and hissed (the rubberised sole was actually causing a lot of discomfort as it tried to rip his ass skin. ) At this point the followers started beating the other captives, as Meatloaf really wasn't crying out as loud as they'd hoped he would. The wails and screams started. The leader put on a cum face.

*Yes, can you hear the choir now?" She struck him on the prostate and his eyes watered.

"Can you hear the animals 'sing'?!l she spat the last word in his face.

How had his life come to this?- slippered while in a gimp mask, with a piggy butt plug and covered in his own diarrhea with a vegan who just didn't understand BDSM. He turned. The vegan seemed to have reached a trance state and her eyes were blank as she beat him again and again and again. He started laughing at it all, it was so ridiculous. A big belly laugh that rumbled through his body and echoed around the cave. A laugh that rumbled deep. Or was that thunder?

Everything happened at once.

Meatloaf's diaphram couldn't take the laughing pressure and his bowels exploded. The butt plug rocketed out of his manscrewhole and took out the generator so that the lights shut off and plummeted into darkness. The leader yelled angrily.

"Light the candles! Now!"

The darkness remained. Nobody dared tell the mad woman that the store only had beeswax candles. She screamed in frustration and lunged for where she thought Meatloaf was, guided by the plume of turd that was plooshing across the cavern which she promptly slipped in and went crashing into the pen and scrabbling to find Meat. The doors burst open and a bright red light illuminated the scene. There, in the doorway looking like black widow, was Brenda with a bull whip. She flicked it and hauled the leader by her ankle away from meatloaf. He felt humiliated. Now Brenda would think that he was into this sort of thing and he'd never enjoy intimacy again! In poured the PLAM-V (the Protection League Against Militant Veganism) which consisted of thirty people dressed as goths, rockers, punks, hippies, gangsters and butch lesbians wielding batons, poles and weed wackers. They spilled in and began beating the followers away from the captives and onto the ground to await the cops. Brenda searched the leader's bag and found several vials of clotted blood.

"Now you shall be punished for what you did." She said uncorking it with her teeth and pouring it down the leader's throat. The leader gagged. Meatloaf cleared his throat as someone ungagged him.

"You punish us for being meat eaters and yet you've been carrying blood around?" He spat , hurrying to put on the clothes that were being thrown to him.

"I got it from a lab. It's human blood you idiot! And why not? If you would drink the blood of another animal you should be willing to do it with your own kind!"

"Only...we didn't know that? So your point is?" The woman got even angrier and Brenda pulled her head back to pour the next vial of blood down. But the leader suddenly jerked and pulled Meatloaf in her place. The blood splashed into his mouth and he choked in surprise. The woman cackled as the red stuff sprayed at her. Then the cops arrived and they all spent the rest of the day downtown, explaining what had happened. When Brenda was finally able to take Meatloaf back to his apartment, he insisted on cooking for her to say thank you. She had got worried about him when he didn't turn up at the hearse she was waiting in and went to see where he was. It was at that moment that she saw the club goers being dragged off by the vegans and she rallied the PLAMV to go and save them. This whole dictating ways of life thing was getting bad, and the terror they were inflicting on the population was uncalled for . She couldn't stand by and watch it happen again . She'd already lost her second husband to a pro-vegan snowflake cult and she wasn't going to lose her potential new boyfriend to another!

Meatloaf was so glad to be back and realised that they needed to have a difficult conversation bright now.

"I Don't like being a submissive BDSM scat ass piggy. I just like what we did the other night". Brenda smiled at him.

"I know Mr. Undertaker. Oh I know." Meatloaf smiled back and took a bite of hotdog. It stuck in his throat and he coughed. After Brenda had done the Heimlich manoeuvre and induced an O;reilly food spew, he suddenly let out an ultrasonic cry. Brenda backed off in alarm.

"What?" Meat asked in alarm and his bowels dropped into his pants in fear. He felt weird. He felt like something in him was changing. He yelled in pain and his bones twisted. Brenda watched in horror as he morphed into a screaming giant fruit bat and started bouncing off the apartment walls until he came to a broken air vent and got lost inside it.

The End


	4. Meatloaf and Batman: Brothers in Arms

Meatloaf: The Necro-Vigil Part 4

The residents of the apartment block complained to the janitor about the dodgy pipes. The poor guy was getting sick of hearing about it. He had checked the plumbing over and over again but found nothing and the rattling seemed to be moving through the building getting higher and higher. Juan didn't know what to do. Maybe a raccoon had got in? He had even tried leaf blowing the air vents, but nothing happened apart from spewing out dust and illegal drugs into some of the apartments. He gave up in the end and hoped that whatever it was would make it's way out when it got to the top of the building.

Meatloaf had been in the airduct for two weeks. His new bat form was so alien that he didn't know how to use sonar setting and he was blind as a bat. He bounced off every surface and it hurt like hell. He didn't know up from down and he barrelled through the air dropping guano with gay abandon as he hadn't yet realised which muscle was his sphincter. His head was hurting, and he could hear all kinds of noises:  
. Toasters popping  
.kids screaming  
. Heavy duty BDSM sex  
. Coffee machines  
. Pennies rattling in a pocket  
. A hostage being taped to a chair  
. Gambling

And something so high frequency he could feel it rattling his atoms. A noise so powerful that he couldn't resist it and his new body automatically started to zoom towards the nearest exterior vent. He went so fast that he rammed the grill off the wall as he shot like a cell phone out of a convict's plugged anus and plummeted to his doom. He suddenly realised that he was falling when his hot dog exited his gullet in a hurried manner and he flew right through it.  
"Arms... must flap arms" he tried to yell but it sent his head spinning as his interior radar was dazzled with the noise. He focussed on his arms and managed to move them though the weird feeling of splayed fingers set his body hair on end. This was weird. Before he knew it he was soaring up again and bobbing up and down in the night air. Whatever the sound was pulled him closer and he screeched away over the city.

He ended up in the sewers. The noise pulled him down into a manhole and he splashed into a pool of diseased fecal matter that made him a carrier of ebola. He crawled along in the slush until the noise was so loud he felt his prostate rattling somewhere inside him. In a cavern he could hear a crime syndicate making plans and tinkering with machinery.

"Ha, this should wipe all the banks clear when we get the frequency right." one muttered while another casually had sex with a prostitute in the corner.  
"But will it knock out the alarms and safety information too so we can get into the vaults and get the green?" he called, voice muffled because he had his face buried between the woman's legs (he got his kicks from giving and the woman was happy to be paid for lying back and letting him please her.).  
"Course it will Eddy. And then we just walk in and take what whatever we like. Might even bust a few pacemakers too. And some of those keyless cars." he carried on tinkering for a moment before the sewer gate in front of him burst open and the wrench from his spasming hand knocked him out. Scariarrea pooled around him as his body went limp on the sonic machine and vibrated the contents from his body. Meatbat came flying through and hit the machine so that he flopped on top of the unconscious gangster. The guy in the corner recovered from the punch he had just received (the sudden fright made him bite down and what he at first though was his tongue turned out to be the prostitute's lady flesh and she walloped him into a puddle)  
All three felt groggy and meatloaf was about to start flapping when the sewer filled with smoke. His bat senses when crazy for a moment and then went dead.  
"What's going on here?" came a voice so gruff that it obviously was the star of a Strepsils advertising campaign. Batman stepped forward and pointed the Bat Machine-silencer at the EMP generator. It went silent. The sudden quiet stopped annoying Meatbat's physiology and suddenly he was in possession of himself again. He felt every limb get longer until he was stood there looking red, bruised and total confused with a newly re-grown boner pushing through his leather pants. Strepsil Man pointed  
"Who the hell are you? Some new villain that I need to defeat?" meatloaf fell into a puddle as he had not regained the use of his legs yet.  
"No. I'm Meatloaf, the famous photographer. I turned into a bat for some reason and got lost." Batman felt a pang of jealousy, as no matter how rich he was and how clever his Bat Tech was, he could never actually become a bat. And he had already searched the magical cults of the world to try and make this so. (what a traumatic year that had been). But Batman was clever and decided to take BatMeatloaf's side in the hopes that he would teach The Batman how to perform this metaphorphic feat of science.  
"Well, that's alright then." Batman said and turned to the villains, pointing his newly made Bat Rubber String gun at each of the gangsters in turn, so that rubber strings shot out and bound around them so that they could not move. The prostitute was also bound up (for being in cahoots with villains) and promptly climaxed from the sudden bondage which was her guilty pleasure.)  
"Oh Batman, I'm yours!" she squealed and gave him sultry eyes, ignoring her bleeding lady lips. Bat shook his head.  
"No. I don't fornicate with criminals. Besides- I can't afford you. My butler won't let me have an allowance in case I lose it." he turned back to Meatloaf who was standing in sopping wet ripped leather. (he looked kind of cool. All the women would have wanted him if not for the sewerage that lay over everything)  
"Will you help me carry them back to the surface? " Meatloaf observed the bat guy stood in front of him and thought if he did, maybe this man would do a sexy photo pose to appeal to his clients who preferred pictures of hot, underworld men.  
"Sure" he said as Batman scooped up the prostitute and her patron and threw one over each shoulder. Meatloaf did the same with the first guy (he was used to carrying women in coffins so he'd built up the muscle over the years.) they carried them out of the sewer and walked into total carnage.

Everywhere in Gotham was on fire and people were running through the streets, crapping themselves in panic and extinguishing some of the flame with a tsunami of scariarrea.

"What happened here?" Batman Strepsiled, as he threw the criminals into the Bat Truck (the Batmobile had been totalled by him yet again and Alfred refused to fix it for him until he could go a year with the same vehicle intact and working. He had then been subject to the humiliation of Alfred walking him around a used car dealership to purchase a truck that looked old enough to have seen the Great Depression, holding his hand while telling him to stop crying; he would feel differently when he had re-painted the bright bile-green paintwork with Bat Black and the Bat symbol, put tin foil on the hub caps to make them shiny and waterproofed all the interior to cope with his bowel issues. Batman had blown his nose on Alfred's ascot as he choked on his tears.) Meatloaf threw the crook into the Bat Truck and looked around.

"I don't know…." Meatloaf began

"But you were a bat! Surely you saw what was going on when you were in the air!" Batman cried, worried that his reputation was in tatters because for once he did not know what was happening.

"I don't know how that happened! And you can't watch people with sonar." Meatloaf saw a single tear leaking from batman's eye: secretly, Batman's hopes had just disappeared with the knowledge that this man who could turn into a bat probably wouldn't be able to teach him how to do it too because the guy wasn't even sure how it had happened! His life dream had just disappeared before his eyes. He almost crapped himself in despair, until he saw a last ray of shit-stained hope: When they had sorted out the chaos around them and restored the balance of Gotham, they could work together to discover the secret of Batmorficication! Alfred would take pity on him and let them use some of the Batscanners and Bat equipment to conduct experiments and they would be Batbrothers together, flying around inconspicuously and then fighting crime… Another tear leaked from Batman's eye…. He'd ever had a friend before, let alone a brother. Everything around him went slow and shiny in his beautiful daydream…. And then a wave of scariarrea sloshed over him and Meatloaf, filling the back of the truck.

"Damn…. I only got that jet washed yesterday…" he cried coming out of his shiny thoughts. There was a sudden explosion in the liquor store nearby and a cackle came from the party that had just exploded out of it.

"Hello Bats!" The Joker yelled from the smoke as bits of shit covered masonry fell from the sky. The heat of the flames as the booze burned behind him had melted his face paint so he looked like a sad clown. The same had happened to Harley Quinn who appeared from behind him and she looked like a reject court fool with half a hat dangling pathetically from her head as she put out the flames on the burning other half with the severed hand of the liquor store owner.

"I take it that you are the one who stopped our little machine then? It's always _you_ who can't help but meddle in other people's business, Bats. Like that time I decided to rob a thong store…" He pulled a remote control out of his pocket. "Luckily though I can turn it on from here again so that all the electronic security in Gotham will go down…" He laughed manically and pressed the button. Harley let out an intense burst of shrieks and fell on the ground her body arching as climax hit her .  
"My love eggs Jokey! You…turned…up…my…ahhhh…love eggs…" She panted in the puddles of feces that pooled everywhere from the scared public as Joker rolled his eyes at her and hastily took another remote out of his purple tailcoat. He pressed the button. Meatloaf cried out as his atoms started to resonate once more and his bowels emptied. He started to oscillate and Batman caught him by the hand as his feet gave way. This was a mistake. The hand gripping Meat's wrist started to meld against Batman's hand. As Meatbat appeared once more, Batman's hand morphed and took the place of his right hand.

Batman's own limb had become the 'legs' of Meatbat, so that he looked like he was wearing a strange flapping glove puppet. Meatbat once again had still not learned how to control his new form and was flapping around like a deflated cock that still thought it was time to thrust. The Joker watched in amusement as Batman yelled in horror and tried to shake off whatever the hell had just happened. Meatbat was in too much of a flap at not understanding what was happening. So he did the only thing he could: Flap. He flapped so hard that Batman started to rise like a gothic Statue of Liberty. He even ended up with his head covered in liquid white shit as the batform crapped on him. The two men flew up into the night as Batman screamed through the darkness. They were no longer as if two men, but almost one.

They were now: MeatBatman

The End


	5. Meatloaf and Batman go to Space

Meatloaf: The Necro-Vigil Part 5

Batman screamed gruffly as The Meatbat hand pulled him higher and higher into the sky. He could feel the sonic device below the city making his wrist molecules vibrate where they were augmented with Meatbat's backside. And it was getting stronger so he assumed that Joker had turned the intensity to maximum remotely as he was the sort of guy who enjoyed sick jokes. As the intensity increased it threw Meatbat into oblivion and his flapping became so erratic that he started to approach lightspeed. As time around them started to slow down, Batman's colon started to feel the effects and the future of his shits started to exit his body and streaked behind him in ghostly manner. They had left the atmosphere now but where flying so fast through space that there was no time for their bodies to register lack of oxygen and die. Batman stopped screaming the moment they left the planet in order to save air and because the vacuum meant screaming was pointless… apart from when he screamed at a passing asteroid and the particles that floated in its own gravity absorbed the sound energy so it was carried millions of lightyears into the future to be picked up by a newly emerging race who listened in awe at the sound of an alien screaming from the rocks that hit their planet; forever to search for the "Lost God" who they swear still screams when the rain falls. (no air in space meant no friction so no transference of the sound energy so the scream just travelled indefinitely)

As they moved further away from Earth, the sonic signal started to fade and Meatbat's overzealous flapping began to slow down. It slowed down so much that Batman could actually make out the movement of his wings (it had been so fast that it was merely a slightly trembling blur). And he was starting to get sunburn now that they were so far from Earth's protective atmosphere. He managed to roll his cape around the two of them like a prophylactic cloak and that stopped the burn. But his lungs were starting to burn now as the respiratory acid started to build up in his lungs. What the hell was he going to do? He didn't have the Batscuba set with him to provide air. He was going to die. Alone. With an augmented Bathand which was the most useless thing ever.( He tried to pull the flapping bat further inside the Batrubber and got smacked in the face with the little claw at the end of each wing. ) Hs only consolation was that in space his body could not decompose so maybe it would get returned to Alfred one day. Though the Batcondom was keepin all his current shit entrails and so his body would be embarrassingly shitstained when it was found. He dreaded to think what the butler would think.

As his vision started to fade, he was suddenly blinded by the sudden arrive of a giant… battleship? The thing was just BAM there and its shiny grey hull reflected all the sunlight. What the hell was a battleship doing in space? It wasn't a spaceship shape, it looked like a city-sized battleship. Something started tingling around Batman and he and Meatbat started to float towards the thing, just as they both asphyxiated.

Batman woke up tied to a hospital chair. He turned his head and saw Meatloaf in human form tied to another and fast asleep. He struggled against the metal handcuffs that restrained his hands and feet (his hand was back to normal now that they were out of the way of the sonic machine). It was now he noticed that he was wearing nothing but his underwear, Batmask and his highly starched white socks (Alfred's meticulous standards extended to all his responsibilities. Like Batman's laundry.) Thankfully his underpants were black (with the Batsymbol) so the turd cloud it had been soaked in could not be seen.

He heard a mechanism nearby and a door slid upwards. In came a man that looked like an advert for UBERWEISS! As he was wearing a pristine white smock and long white cape that reached his ankles.

"So the mysterious hero awakes." He drawled. The man walked in flanked by what looked like two black Power Rangers with guns. Now that he was next to the medical chair, Batman could make out a weird badge on his chest- five little red bars and five little blue ones. The man held his crossed hands over his waist and stared down Batman.

"Maybe you would like to explain just have you achieved what you did?" Batman looked at him puzzled.

"I have achieved something? Do I get a diploma?" The man winced at his stupidity. And he thought the Empire was made of idiots? God help him with this one….

"You were travelling through space with no protective capsule or air and you were exposed to the radiation of a star that should have incinerated you. Now tell me, what is your cape made of?" Batman looked confused.

"What does it matter about my cape? Who the hell are you ?" The man's lip twitched and it was at this point that Batman noticed the scar on his lip, suggesting a cleft palate.

"Now is that any way to thank the man who saved your life? I am Director Orson Krennic and you will tell me what your cape is made of. I have never seen such thin radiation-proof material . And I'm having a hard time trying to analyse what it is made of." He rolled his shoulders as if imagining himself wearing it.

" Give it back!" Batman yelled and felt a tear drip from his eye: he and his cape were inseparable! And it was worth a fortune. Krennic smirked and observed him. "Tell me what it is made of, and when I can replicate my own, you may have yours back. It's for the good of the Empire. " He added, as if Batman even knew what the hell he was talking about. Batman felt the panic rise- he didn't know what it was made of. These days, he just let Alfred improve and update his gear for him, as he was too busy trying not to fail at life in general (the whole stock market thing had really knocked his confidence, so he didn't trust himself to make anything any more) But he couldn't let the guy know this or they would have no chance of escaping.

"Look…. I don't know the names of the components… but I know how to make it." He lied. Krennic twitched again.

"Okay. Bring him to the lab." Krennic ordered and the two Power Rangers undid the cuffs on Batman and he got up. "Leave him in his underwear… if he escapes and you fail to shoot him as he goes, he'll stick out like a sore thumb." He left through the electronic door as Batman was put into portable cuffs and pushed forward with the tip of a gun… though like no ballistic gun he had ever seen. The Bat then had the shameful experience of walking through the spaceship in only his pants, socks and mask. People stared at him as he passed by so he held his head high and tried to focus on the ceiling. This resulted in him wandering too close to a control 'pit' and he fell from the walkway onto a poor newbie and cracked her helmet. After being dragged by the Power Rangers back onto the path, they continued along while Krennic yelled at them to hurry up.

In the lab, Batman found the Batcape on display in the centre. It had been cleverly pinned to a frame so that the Batwing effect could be clearly seen. They looked good he thought. Awesome Krennic seemed to think so too. He strolled over to it and ran his gloved hand lovingly down the creases of the wing his eyes gazing in awe.

"This is a beautiful thing… where did you get it?" He raised his other hand and began stroking with that too.

"My butler made it." He said truthfully.

"Is that a lab assistant?" He placed his cheek against the rad-proof Kevlar and closed his eyes.

"Er…. Yeah." Batman Strepsiled. (Krennic was now moving said cheek backwards and forwards) He started scanning the lab for exits, weapons and guards who might prove a problem. There was a sudden yell and one of Krennic's experiments came running from the next room (tentacles flying around from his head…. This guy was an ALIEN! Batman noticed) As they got to the door that batman had come through, one of the Power Rangers shot them. With red lasers. LASERS! Laser's were a form of light! Light was a form of radiation! No radiation could penetrate the Batcape! He knew what he needed to do. He looked back at Krennic and coughed. Krennic stopped gently kissing the fabric of the Batcape and turned around quickly whipping his hands like lightspeed to his normal position of crossed over his waist.

"Yes…. Right well my chemistry set is over here. Just point to the chemicals and tell me what to do with them." He led Batman over to a wall of bottles behind a counter while walking as if a lamprey was attached to his dong and he was trying to walk without making it swing and dig its teeth in sooner. "I will…. I will be back in a moment. I need to… get my lab gear on…" He left and as he turned Batman saw a boner popping up under his hands… He turned to the chemicals and suddenly craved his Batblanket, Batmug of cocoa and Alfred telling him a bedtime story as he reassured the Bat that he wasn't really the idiot people made him out to be and yes, of course women liked him… he just hadn't found the right one yet.

Krennic appeared half an hour later wearing a science smock, white trousers and a shourter white cape that was very narrow and hung down to his boots (Krennic always had to wear a cape. He liked capes, but had to have a special one for his lab so that it didn't sweep things of the desks.) He finished rubbing sanitiser on his hands and pulled his gloves on (he was also a germophobe) His hair was wet as he had just showered after his alone time and his boner seemed to have gone down. He strode over.

"So what do I need to use?" he demanded and started taking out test tubes. Batman hesitated…

"I need to measure the size of the cape." He said quickly. "to … figure out how much of each chemical I need." Krennic raised an eyebrow but went over to the cape. Batman followed him as Krennic took it from the frame. He handed a ruler to Batman.

"You grovel on the floor. I can't do that and still look good in my cape. Just… BE CAREFUL WITH IT!" he yelled like a mother as Batman threw it on the floor and started to measure. Batman knelt over it his asshole pointed in the direction of Krennic. He contracted his abdomen muscles as he loaded the barrel… he prepared for hell to break lose… He thought of everything he held dear (Alfred and the Batmobile) and forced the strongest shit out he had ever done. A jet hose turd stream shot out of him as he pulled the pants down (to prevent loss of power). Krennic screamed as his beautiful white outfit was dyed brown.

"No, my cape! Save my cape!" but it too was brown. Krennic started to weep. At that moment Batman threw himself onto the middle of the cape and rolled the wings around him. At that moment the Power Rangers activated as they realised what was going on. Batman rolled like Cleopatra in a carpet across the floor and out of the door to the next room. He kept rolling and bouncing off furniture until he found himself in the corridor. At this he stood up, wrapped the cape around his almost naked body and wet running the way they had come.

"First Meatloaf" he muttered. "Then we find the way out!" He wondered where the Batsuit was – Alfred was going to be so disappointed in him. Again. He stopped thinking as he found the room with Meatloaf in. Meatloaf was awake by now and yelled

"WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU? AND WHER THE HELL AM I?" Batman ignored him as he undid the cuffs and the two men peered around the doorway (Meatloaf still had all his clothes as Krennic had no interest in them. He was a cape man.) Guards were in a frenzy trying to find Pantman.

"Okay so we need to find the escape pod." Strepsil man whispered. Meatloaf nodded. "I can feel a breeze, so I think the airlock is this way." Batman explained. He wrapped the Batcolak around Meatloaf too.

"No offence but you can't woo me… I prefer mine… female." Meatloaf replied.  
"No I'm protecting you from their laser weapons." Batman felt disheartened. He hadn't actually been coming onto Meatloaf but it would have been nice if he returned the supposed affect, just so the Bat knew he was desirable to someone at least.

"Oh… thanks." They waited for silence and then snuck into the corridor. They walked for a while but Batman hadn't realised that shit was still leaking from his anus. There was a cry behind them and a slightly garbled

"THERE THEY ARE ! THEY HAVE MY CAPE! GET THEM! SHOOT THEM! KILL THEM! JUST BRING ME THAT CAPE!" (Krennic's cleft impaired his speech the angrier he got) Batman picked u meatloaf, wrapped his cloak around them both and he ran. Krennic had changed again into his uniform and went to follow but slipped on Batman's poop streak and fell backwards causing skid marks up the white cloth.

"NO! FORGIVE ME MY DEAR! I'M SORRY!" He yelled and cradled the shit stained cape. Batman carried on running as several Power Rangers followed him at speed shooting mindlessly. The laser beams bounced off the cape and took a few of them out for a minute. He turned a corner and only just stopped in his tracks before he fell down The Maw.

He looked across the gigantic gap to the other side of the ship. And then he looked down seeing hundreds upon thousands of floors of the spaceship. He wondered just how big the ship was, then heard Alfred's voice in his head say "You really have a short attention span don't you Mr. Wayne sir?" He shook it from his head as Meatloaf said

"Shit! We're gonna' die man!" Batman snorted in reply. Behind him he heard Krennic's voice and a tirade of boot noises scooting along on his poop.

"No we're not. Hold tight underneath me. Like a sloth and don't let go." He waited until the photographer was clinging on like a cage fighter and took a few steps back. Meatloaf yelled Batman's insanity as they catapulted off the edge. As Pantsman's cape deployed and the updraft caught them, the sudden whoop of gravity in Batman's stomach forced more shit out of him and into the face of Krennic who was on his knees at the edge crying his eyes out of the loss of such a beautiful thing.

"AND IT CAN FLY! NO MY LOVE! I WANT IT BACK NOW!" but all his hopes were gone as he saw them enter the airlock mid-air. Batman hit the ground and fell unconscious as his head smacked itself on the control console. The doors crashed shut and the pod shot from the ship like a buttplug from an anus filled with sodium bicarbonate and vinegar. They went flying through space. Meatloaf still had the deadweight of Batman on top of him. Deadweight. Meatloaf felt his dong quiver. It pressed against Batman and the lack of movement in the Bat caused it to harden and rise, poking Batman in hi bare stomach. The man woke. The dick fell. Meatloaf sighed.

"Urgh, we made it. " Moaned Batman. He started pressing buttons. Then more. Then he realised that this was not the Batmobile and he didn't know how to fly it. "We need to get to Earth." He said Strepsily as something screeched passed the window.

"WE NEED TO DO IT FAST!" cried Meatloaf reading buttons on the console and weeping that none of it made sense. Another thing screeched past them and they saw the tiny white figure of Orson Krennic crammed into the back of the Tie Fighter while he yelled at the pilot to do his job properly. Batman had a sudden idea. Hmmm, twice in one day? Alfred really had got him all wrong.

"Meatloaf, I need you to be a bat. Here's the plan: Space has no air so no friction, so the slightest propulsion will move faster than on Earth and any speed won't be lost through air resistance. If you become a bat and fly against the window as fast as you did before you can push the pod hard enough through space that we will get back to Earth despite your tiny size." Meatloaf looked at him as if he were mad.

"You are crazy if you think I can just become a bat."

"You just need a sonic wave to oscillate your molecules and make you batlike again." Meatloaf was impressed by this and commented that Batman seemed to be getting more clever than normal. Batman nearly cried in happiness. Alfred would be so proud!

"Well there's only one way we can do that. I need you your voice to become ultrasonic." As a singer, Meatloaf had been an expert in such things. Batman barely had time to say anything before Meatloaf ripped strips of leather from his jacket and tied Batman to the pod chair. He then ripped the pants from the Caped Crusader while he took off his own spikey wristcuff. He pointed the spikes inward and pulled the knot as tightly as he could around Batman's testicles.

No words could describe the noise that started rattling Meatloafs atoms. He carried on pulling the spikes tighter around Batmans balls until his batform appeared once more. And he went crazy. Contained in a small space, Meatbat ricocheted off every wall as it pushed the pod forward. In actually fact it sort of bounced through space and made the whole testicle torture far more painful for Btaman. This made it difficult for the Tie fighters to follow him. Plus they were approaching lightspeed. As Meatbat hot guano everywhere they hit Earth's atmosphere and went coursing into Gotham were they hit the national park and rolled through trees and went crashing down the hole of the Batcave. Alfred looked up from his tea as the pod landed on the Batmobile. Alfred picked up his umbrella and snapped on rubber gloves as he opened the pod door. The guano shot at him and bounced off the umbrella as the screaming hit his ears and then died down. Meatloaf appeared and hugged the Butler, happy to be back on land.

"Oh god Mr. Batman sir. What 'choo been up to this time?" He untied Batman from the chair (he was unconscious from the pain) and lay him down on the rug. Meatloaf untied the wrist cuff. "Well that's put an end to your heir." He muttered sarcastically and took out his mop to start cleaning the place. "Oh Mr. Batman Sir, you do go looking for trouble don't you?"

Somewhere on an Imperial Destroyer, Orson Krennic was lying on his huge bed surround by various white capes (outdoor capes, indoor capes, capes for sleeping at night, capes for napping in, lab capes and some capes for private moments) He stroked them all in turn and sighed at the ceiling.

"I will find that cape again. And you will be mine my laser-proof darling. And no one will stand in my way. You shall all fall so that we may be supreme together. And then Tarkin…. Tarkin will have no power over me. And I will have him ejected from the Death Star…. My Death Star. If only he knew the power I will have when it is operational…." He sipped his Carrilion brandy and continued to stroke his harem.

The End


	6. Meatloaf and Batman save Gotham!

Meatloaf: The Necro-Vigil Chronicles Part 6

Batman was crying. He was bawling like a baby over the wreck of the Batmobile that was lying like a junkyard pancake underneath the space pod. Alfred sat nonchalantly on an office chair in front of a computer with his feet up on the console eating a British Breakfast Burrito and occasionally flicking a limp wrist holding another handkerchief in Batman's direction (The Caped Cryer was at Alfred's feet with his knees pulled to his chest and a pile of used tissues building up in front of him.)

"Now Mr. Batman sir, what are you crying about first. What should we rectify and reassure you about to begin with?" Meatloaf felt a sudden rush of affection for Batman; here was another human who had a dysfunctional life like him… if not it seemed even worse. Though judging by the way his butler seemed to be looking after him, maybe he had some sort of mental handicap… The rock star sat down on Batman's other side and offered him the scarf that was always tied around his finger. Batman threw the last of Alfred's gentlemanly monogrammed handkerchiefs onto the pile and accepted Meatloaf's.

"The Batmobile has gone, I'm useless at what I do and WHY CAN HE BECOME A BAT BUT I CAN'T?" Meatloaf was surprised at that.  
"I don't actually know why this happened." Meat admitted. "It just happened one day after I was captured by Vegans and high-pitched noises make me transform. " Batman bawled louder now that he knew there was very little hope for him to live up to his namesake. Meat put an arm around the Caped Crusader.

"Look man, we can't worry about that right now. And as for your truck…." He looked at the tires bursting from under the escape pod

"…Well we'll fix it up. But we need to do something about that shitstorm outside." He marched over to Alfred's sixteen screen CCTV station in the corner of the Batcave and watched the pillaging and burning rage in Gotham.

"HOW CCCCAN I…. DOOO….. ANY….THING WHEN… I'M…. A…. FAILURE!" Batman shrieked. That was it. Alfred had had enough of his whining. With some sort of superhuman strength the old bum grabbed Batman by the straps of his hero boots and pulled them up high above his head and hooked them onto the overhanging debris of the crashed pod. Batman shut up and grunted in surprise as he smunk helplessly in the doorway of the pod. Alfred knelt down as Meatloaf turned to see what the sudden quiet was all about.

"DO YOU WANT TO BE A SUCCESS IN LIFE SIR?" The butler yelled. Batman gulped in shock and Strepsiled

"Yeah…? But…"

"DO YOU WANT TO RESTORE PEACE TO GOTHAM SO YOU CAN LEARN TO BECOME A BAT?"

"Of course Alfred but…" he stuttered but Alfred had the look of a commander who had just discovered that his new private was sleeping with his wife."

"AND AM I SUPPOSED TO BUY YOU A NEW CAR SIR? EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE NOT CAPABLE OF KEEPING HER IN ONE PEACE AND FREE OF YOUR FECES SIR?"

"Yeah…?" he muttered without conviction.

"WELL YOU'D BETTER GET YOUR GADGETS AND YOUR NEW FRIEND AND GO AND SAVE THE BLOODY CITY HADN'T YOU?!" Alfred roared sounding far more like a common Londoner than he normally did. (It came back when he was either incredibly angry or when he was out with the Old Boys.) He hit the overhanging debris with a broom and batman fell to the floor where he scrabbled to his feet, fell over again as the blood rushed away from his head and reached for Meatloaf's hand.

"To the armory before he realises I've shit my pants…" he muttered and yanked the Rockstar away.

"Well hold onto that, it might come in useful man." Meatloaf responded as they ran down the corridor (he was remembering how useful the shit shooter had been previously) Batman stopped at a cabinet full of various Bat gadgets he owned. He threw Meatloaf his spare Batbelt (not yet the victim of a Diaroea attack) a series of Batamarangs and a can of mysterious Bat Spraystuff that he had forgotten to label so did not know if it was Bat Exploding Foam, Bat Freezing Foam, Bat Lube (great for enabling him to crawl through tight ventilation shafts but was also popular with the ladies) or Bat Bug Exterminating Spray. He looked at it and stretched his masked face into a "hell if I know what this shit is" expression.

"Just don't spray it on your cock or a body hole and you'll be fine. " he assured Meat and pushed the bottle into the spare Batbelt. Meatloaf eyed the can and decided he was only going to use it in an absolute emergency. He helped himself to various pieces of shoulder armor, a set of Bat earmuffs and got ready to relive his Hell's Angel days as Batman handed him the Bat Baseball Bat.

"Ready?" Meat asked in a half yell. He watched as the poor guy's mouth wobbled.

"Um… I think so." Meat didn't hear his response but they both nodded and dashed out of the batcave as Alfred's yell of

"GET OUT THERE YOU MISERABLE LUMP AND MAKE YOURSELF PROUD!... SIR"

The air was thick with smoke as they emerged from their sanctuary. Every criminal was running riot blowing up cars and stealing and Batman thought he caught sight of the asylum natives doing their own tortuous and creepy things.

"What are you gonna' do if you hear that frequency again?" asked Batman peeling an earmuff away slightly to whisper through the gap into Meatloaf's ear. Meatloaf grunted as it sprung back.

"I'm wondering if I can't hear it, will I still turn?" He felt Batman put a large necklace made of wires around his neck.

"Bat tracking device. If you change, I'll know where you are. Or Alfred will and we'll find you." Batman took out the Bat Rope Gun and ran forward into the smoke. Meat followed him wielding the Bat Bat and wishing that someone was photographing him as it would make a nice cover for a Hell's Angel hobby magazine. Citizens were cowering under trucks and cars and as the crooks and anarchists came running at them, they went down like a sack of potatoes as the Bat weapons hit them and knocked them out cold, causing sudden shit waves to splurge out of suddenly relaxing bowels (The pettier inmates of the asylum were particularly loose as it was Victorian institution that kept to the original regimen of feeding all prisoners watery oatmeal three times a day to keep them too weak to rebel. Unfortunately their hormones were so out of balance and over produced that they were driven by them rather than their natural metabolism and so even a pathetic diet could not stop them being total maniacs. But the near liquid diet meant their colons never really stopped pouring) Meatloaf lost sight of Batman but carried on attacking anyone who ran at him looking like a criminal, while Batman seemed to be restraining them with his Bat Rope Gun as bodies quasi cocooned in cords kept turning up at his feet. And then….

Something was happening in his body. He felt his atoms go all weird again…. But they didn't seem to resonate in his head as much as the other times.

"BATMAN!" he yelled as loudly as if he was the one with his spiked wrist cuff tied around his dong. He could feel his legs starting to shorten. As he fell into a shit puddle, Batman lay a hand on his shoulders.

"IS IT HAPPENING AGAIN?" he yelled. Meatloaf nodded.

"BUT IT FEELS DIFFERENT THIS TIME MAN!" Meat's body was almost gone. (Batman withdrew his hand quickly to avoid another MeatBatMan incident. As his head morphed into the leathery mammalian snout, he realised what was different: He could think! He could decide to control his limbs and although he was sort of blind (everything was in shadow vision) as he tried to speak everything started to flash into view. It was like being in the darkest of colons with a disco strobe light showing you where to go but never showing colours. He was suddenly thankful that Batman wore such a prominent Batmask; the tall ears made it easy for Meat to find him. Now he just needed to let Batman know he was alright… Like the previous times, his guano was ready to dropped but this time he seemed to have more control over it. Flapping his wings and practising his movement he started selectively shitting on a clean patch of asphalt while Batman watched in awe.

"YOU CAN CONTROL IT?" He watched as MeatBat shat a tick in the affirmative and then demanded that Batman stop shouting (despite the earmuffs that had Batmorficised with him into over-knobbly bat ears, hs hearing was still incredibly sensitive.) Batman took some rope from the Bat Rope Gun and fashioned a small harness for MeatBat. He then tied a long length of turdy rope to it and then through the back of his bat armor.

"Fly me over everyone so I can rain ordinance and rope over the crooks." Meatloaf shat in response that he wasn't strong enough.

"But you got me to space! Of course you are strong enough." Meatbat flapped his wing on Batman's hand in a sort of high five and then started flying. Batman cried out happily as he felt the rope tighten and his beshitted boots leave the ground. He grinned at the thought that he was flying and aimed a handful of Battamarangs… but then the physics kicked in and he started to spin on the rope as Meatbat rose quickly and dodged airborne obstacles like low swooping birds and traffic lights. Thankfully his sonar Batsight was not affected by the thick smoke. Batman started yelling as he was swung like a flaccid dick in all directions and spun faster than a nymphomaniac sitting on a traffic cone. Rope and Battamarangs fell to the ground and waylaid the criminals by knocking them out or causing bondage orgasms.

Meatbat suddenly shrieked as somebody unexpectedly appeared in his vision. Unfortuatley physics prevailed and the motion of Batman swinging across the sky beneath him made Meatbat plough headlong into the human like a sex starved cock into a rotten melon. The human stopped dead and started falling to the ground. Meatbat faltered and found himself falling through the air as he tried to flap faster before they hit the ground.

They hit the ground and Batman's stomach emptied itself all over an rope-cocooned punk with a battamarang embedded in his forehead (he was so hard-core and insane that it hadn't actually managed to reach his frontal lobe and so he was still alive if a little stunned. )

"Ow..." Batman groaned as the leathery flying thing flopped onto his chest. At his feet lay what looked like a non-Asian monk in a red cape… which seemed to be struggling underneath him and poking him in the face. Batman shook his head and blamed the smoke and motion sickness for the hallucination. He got up and helped Meatbat hover in the air before removing the rope. (he made a mental note never to attend a Shibari party. He didn't think vomiting over everyone while he was suspended for their sexual viewing would get him laid) He slapped the face of the monk and his eyes popped open just as Cape got its revenge and slapped Batman in return.

"Leave him alone Cape." The man said and sat up. He had a shaped beard and a huge blingy medallion around his neck, traditional Asian robes and a Cape that was now stroking his face with its collar. "What's going on here?" Batman didn't answer as he was watching the velvet article flap gently around the man almost in a caressing hug. Meatbat started shitting on the ground as fast as he could to explain the situation. When he ran out of guano, he tried scratching into the dirt with the claw on the und of his wing and found that worked well.

"So all these criminals are here because of a guy called Joker? And you're a man who's a bat because of a weird machine? But how is it possible to resonate human physiology and rearrange …"

"Shut up, we've got bigger fish to fry." Batman finally interjected. "We need to tie all these crooks up and pile 'em back into the asylum and jail.". He watched in awe as the man conjured up a magical harness around Batman and the two of them flew into the air followed by Meatbat.

"If we can shut them in the mirror universe, Gotham will be safe. I'm Doctor Strange by the way." Stephen called down to them both. (Meatbat was sticking with his Bat brother.) Batman looked confused and didn't know what the hell he was talking about. "Just carry on throwing those ninja star things and knocking them all down and I'll do the rest. Batguy? " He looked at Meatbat while being glared at in jealousy. HE was the original 'Batguy' Batman thought in a huff. But never mind, jealousy could wait. The Doc flew him expertly through the sky (this time he didn't spin or swing: He was as steady a rock hard cock dipped in cement by the mob.) as Batman deployed various Batamarangs and Bat Freezing Foam Grenades while Stephen levitated the crooks into some sort of mirror thing. Meatbat meanwhile flew around and attacked any bad guy he came across by clawing their face until Stephen lassooed them and dragged them away.

Meatbat felt he was getting good at this. He was one with his batform and it was actually quite liberating to have a different form and fly through the air. He wondered if he could impress women with it… Before long the mirror dimension was bulging with deranged criminals. Only two remained free: Harley and her Jokey. The problem was any time they got near him he increased the frequency of the ultrasonic machine and the weapons Batman was throwing at him shattered under resonance. Stephen was also having trouble: he couldn't use magic while holding the mirror dimension closed AND keeping Batman suspended above the scene. And Meatbat was starting to find his senses obscured by the intense sonar interference.

"I CAN'T ATTACK HIM!" The Doc yelled down at Batman.

"MY GEAR IS USELESS! IT WON'T WORK!" He yelled back as his last weapon shrapnelled itself over a wide area.

Meatbat needed to do something. He needed that Joker guy to quit it with the sonar machine. But Batman was the only one who had any ability to do something… and then he realised what needed to be done. The only thing Batman seemed any good at. He swooped low to the ground and found a discarded takeout cup which he grabbed in his jaws and used to scoop up the turd pool water from the ground. He flew back up to Batman who was howling at his own failure. He promptly shut up as a cup of liquid feces was thrown down his throat. Meatbat then ripped the leather seat from Batman's pants with his teeth so that his bare ass was visible. The bat then steered the Caped Crusader over were Joker stood, though the maniac could not see them due to the smoke above.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU'LL POISON HIM!" Doctor Strange yelled before he witnessed his first ever human shit bombing:

The feces that Meatbat had forced Batman to drink was full for every gastric disease that prison could bestow on its inmates. And it worked fast as most thing did with Batman. He let out a long, low guttural groan (like that feeling of euphoria hat you get when delivering a really long, wide soft shit and your body rejoices at the sudden expulsion of toxins) Before it was too late, Meatbat screeched as high pitched as he could. The shit molecules resonated and shot like lightspeed from Batman's anus straight down onto Joker's head with such a force that they pierced his body like hypodermics into an orange. The clown shrieked in pain and hit the floor while Harley cooed over him, trying to see what had happened. Meatbat gave one last screech and she collapsed to the ground too as the last of Batman's butt piss stuck her like a cactus.

"QUICK! PUSH THEM INTO THE MIRROR WORLD!" The Doc yelled, lowering Batman to the ground, where he picked up the crooks and threw them into the portal that had just appeared. "I'll take them back to the asylum. Wait here." And Stephen flew away. Batman crawled along the ground to where Meatloaf was trying to use Joker's control box. Bats flicked the switch to off and Meatloaf started to grow before his eyes. Soon the Rockstar was there in his shit covered earmuffs and leather. He lunged at Bats.

"We did it bro!" he cried and pulled him into a bear hug. Batman burst into tears of happiness.

"Yeah… we did… Look… maybe we can work on that machine together? You know, to figure out why you change into a bat…." He looked at Meat hesitantly. Meat smiled.

"Yeah, we'll try and figure it out together. And I could make you a model for my gothic catalogues. They'll love your muscle and your moodiness."

It was a deal. As they were shaking on this, Doctor Strange reappeared and hovered in the sky.

"I'm going back to Singapore now. You call on me any time. And make sure you replace all those lost fluids." He threw a bottle of Gatorade at Bats and flew away. Batman helped Meat to his feet.

"Come on, let's go and tell Alfred he can stop being mean to me now."

And the two men stumbled back to the Batcave.

The End


End file.
